I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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