I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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