Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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