my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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