I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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