I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
