He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
