and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
