dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
