so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
