Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
