I think I won the penis lottery.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
We just shotgunned beers for America
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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