You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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