So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
