I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
