i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
