Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
