On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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