I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
