Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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