we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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