so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize
