You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
