I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
