You work out of a Hotel?
I think my fart just growled at me.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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