what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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