$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize