I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
