You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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