he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
