i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
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