If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
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