he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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