i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
