i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
being pregnant is like rehab
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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