saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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