I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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