Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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