Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
