I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
