I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
being pregnant is like rehab
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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