I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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