My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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