There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Randomize
