I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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