spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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