His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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