If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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