Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
