All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize