Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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