I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
