yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
