is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
