sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
NoShamevember. You game?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
