When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
