I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I'm sobbing to NWA
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
