i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
