I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
