I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I smell like Dick and happiness
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