Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I have post one night stand depression
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
