I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize