Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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