i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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