I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
i think i just lost a toe
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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