If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
