The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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