You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
