just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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