The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
