note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
sex in a hospital.. check
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize