I never want to see another naked old woman again.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
